Steve's China Blog

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Things I should not do...

I was trying to come up with another top 10 list and thought I could do one on things I should not do in China. There turned out to be so many things that it evolveded into a top 50 list. These are things I might have done (but I may not admit to) or might have thought about doing, but probably shouldn't have (pretty vague, huh?). The top 50 things I should not do in China...

  • attempt to take command of any units of the People's Liberation Army.

  • attempt to give orders to military or police personnel.

  • think of anything that will make me giggle in front of the police.

  • assume a woman is single if she does not have a wedding ring.

  • date women who refer to themselves as MBAs (married but available).

  • date ladies half my age or younger.

  • act half my age or younger.

  • encourage people to join the National Party.

  • create my own political party.

  • tell people I am going to run for Mayor of Dalian.

  • ask people to vote for me.

  • openly encourage democratic reforms.

  • incite revolution.

  • sing the "Free Tibet" song in public.

  • refer to Taipei as the "rightful" capital of China.

  • let my friends drive me to any Chinese military bases.

  • encourage people to join a religion.

  • create my own religion for Chinese to join.

  • initiate Jihad.

  • laugh out loud at people who wear pictures of Che or Mao on their clothing.

  • be upset that I am not fluent in Chinese yet.

  • ever fight a land war in Asia.

  • ask a Chinese couple how many children they have.

  • ask where they sell big condoms.

  • refer to North Koreans as "those commie $&%*-heads" in front of communist Chinese.

  • refer to the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) as "$&%*-heads" in public.

  • call the CCP Minister of Commerce a decadent capitalist when he visits our company.

  • say, "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for.", when asked for my passport.

  • talk about all of the Chinese that died during the Korean conflict.

  • talk about the 70 million people that Mao killed.

  • draw little Hitler mustaches on the pictures of Mao that are on Chinese currency.

  • think I am being followed by the secret police.

  • try to use computer games as training aids at work.

  • teach co-workers to say offensive and crude things in English, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.

  • confuse my co-workers by speaking Spanglish.

  • say "Shama Lama Ding Dong" when my boss tells me to say a few words to the team.

  • sell Chinese mineral rights to Europeans.

  • attempt to purchase Chinese military equipment.

  • spit on the roads and sidewalks like the locals do.

  • stay in a taxi when I discover the driver is legally blind and/or deaf.

  • talk about nuclear weapons with my friends and co-workers from Japan.

  • eat at American fast-food places so much.

  • act shocked when I see Christmas decorations everywhere.

  • do a double-take when I see someone praying.

  • try every brand of Chinese cigarette at least once.

  • believe anyone who says, "This DVD is real".

  • drink tap water.

  • drink maotaijiu with Chinese.

  • drink beer with Germans.

  • drink anything with Russians.

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